As the country remains on coronavirus lockdown, Americans have divided into two distinct groups: People who write Facebook posts that say “I’m actually LOSING weight during this pandemic!” and people who hate that first group.
National unity is crucial right now, so allow me to do what I can to bridge this chasm.
Along with being a beloved newspaper columnist and the only person to appear on the cover of Sexy Man-Calves Quarterly more than twice, I’m also a highly regarded instructor in the evolving field of “nontraditional fitness.”
Since the publication of my first book, “Stay on the Couch: The Fitness Will Come to You,” there have been possibly hundreds of theoretical “people” who have perhaps benefited from my guaranteed (LEGAL DISCLAIMER: guarantee is not guaranteed) tips for losing weight without exercising or eating less.
My plan revolves primarily around calories burned by surviving the stress and worries of every day life. It’s an angst-based gateway to ripped abs.
The coronavirus pandemic has made this approach even more effective, giving everyone the opportunity to leverage their existential fears into new levels of physical prowess!
So join me now as I teach you how to flatten your curve with my guaranteed (not guaranteed) 100%-Effective Coronavirus Pandemic Weight Loss Plan (results may vary).
Step 1: Wake up. If you’ve done this, you’re off to a great start.
Step 2: Remember there’s a global pandemic that has upended most aspects of modern life and you’re about to spend another day indoors with your family. Feel the burn as your brain performs 17 worst-case-scenario reps at once. Go back to sleep for an hour. You’ve earned it!
Step 3: Eat a breakfast. Doesn’t need to be healthy. You’ve got a big day of dread ahead of you.
Step 4: Power through your morning yells. Yell at the kids to get up and start e-learning, then yell at them three more times, making sure to “max-out” each set by adding, “DO I NEED TO GET YOU GUYS HEARING AIDS OR SOMETHING!” Get some water when you’re done. Hydration is key.
Step 5: Walk to work. The trip from the kitchen to the living room is a solid calorie burn on its own, but when you realize you have another Zoom meeting coming up and add in at least a half-dozen belabored sighs, you’ll wipe out the breakfast calories, and then some.
Step 6: You want to give your body some recovery time before you tackle “get morning doughnut,” so settle in and do some work while regularly flexing your amygdala, keeping steady anxiety signals firing to your brain’s dorsal anterior cingulate cortex. NO EMOTIONAL PAIN, NO GAIN!
Step 7: Get morning doughnut.
Step 8: Rip out some midmorning yells upon realizing your oldest kid ate all the doughnuts and another food delivery isn’t coming until the weekend. Continue cardio by rummaging through the pantry for anything doughnut-like.
Step 9: Return to your home workspace and engage in 10 minutes of High-Intensity Interval Weeping.
Step 10: Lunch! Eat feelings.
Step 11: Stare out the window and become irrationally angry at people walking by enjoying themselves, as if life has meaning. Call police. (Bonus “Flatten Your Curve” points if you use a rotary phone.)
Step 12: Stretch fingers then begin a 15-minute rage-tweeting session. Remember, if you feel like you can’t make it, push yourself harder. THE WORLD NEEDS YOUR POINTLESS ANGER!
Step 13: Get afternoon doughnut. Yell at older kid again.
Step 14: Attend Zoom meeting. Turn off your computer’s camera so you can do five vigorous sets of eye rolls. Turn the camera back on for five minutes to rest extraocular muscles, then repeat.
Step 15: Chase your children from the house into the backyard. (If you’re more than two weeks into the Coronavirus Pandemic Weight Loss Plan, add extra cardio to this step by forcefully locking the door.)
Step 16: Open meditation app. Close mediation app after 30 seconds. Allow fear to consume you. Feel pounds melt away.
Step 17 (Optional, and not recommended for beginners): Watch President Donald Trump’s daily coronavirus press briefing. Break workout into 10 sets of face-palming, 20 sets of disquieted scowls and no less than 15 minutes of screaming into the void.
That’s it, folks. Are you ready to flatten your curve? Just follow these simple steps and I promise (promise not valid in any states) that you’ll panic-attack your way to a healthier you!
rhuppke@chicagotribune.com
