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Column: Will you be my valentine?

Every year on Feb. 14, millions of men and women look at their spouse in a loving, fun, or cute way and ask, “Will you be my valentine?” The question can have lots of different interpretations, which include “Will you take me out for dinner?” “Will you buy me flowers?” “Will you have sex with me?” or “Will you continue to love and be faithful to me?”

Regardless of what specifically a person is seeking by asking a spouse if he or she will be their valentine, there is something really, really significant and healthy going on here: The person is actually asking their spouse for something. In other words, they are communicating their needs.

Think about it. This is therapy 101, and I can say that with authority based on my past experience in marriage therapy. Let me explain.

When a relationship is new, couples are usually blissful and everything seems perfect. But as time goes by, and the relationship settles into a long-term commitment or marriage and then the couple has kids, the potential for a communication breakdown arises. Couples can fall into a bad pattern of not expressing their needs by asking for what they want, and instead assuming the spouse knows. And, when a person doesn’t feel that his or her needs are being met by the spouse, that’s when resentment starts to build and fester.

For example, let’s say a woman is a stay-at-home mom with two toddlers and a baby. Not an easy gig! Her husband goes to work on the 7 a.m. train and gets home at 6:30 p.m. every weeknight. That’s not exactly a piece of cake either.

An example of unhealthy communication would be when the husband walks in the door and his wife says, “I’m exhausted. Here, your turn!” and walks upstairs, leaving him with the kids. A better way to handle the situation would be when the husband walks in the door, the wife could say this: “Hey honey, did you have a good day? I’m exhausted. Would you mind giving the kids baths? I’ll get your dinner ready and we can eat together after.”

She is asking for his help instead of assuming he won’t do it and resenting him for it.

You would be really surprised at what you can get if you just ask. Last week, I was in Macy’s buying some skin care products and as I was paying, I asked the salesperson, “Do you have any free gifts?” She replied, “Let me check.” She then went to a cabinet and pulled out a very large jar of my favorite body lotion. “How about this?” she asked.

I was thrilled! I would have gotten nothing had I not asked.

If you want to get a baby sitter once a week and go on a date with your husband, ask him. If you want your wife to initiate sex, ask her. If you don’t feel like you are getting the love and affection you want, ask for it. You would be really surprised at how many “Sure, no problem” answers you will get. Or, you will get a “no,” which isn’t the worst thing in the world because it will hopefully lead to the reason why, and some open communication about an issue going on in your relationship.

What isn’t healthy is when two people stop talking, stop asking for things, and instead hold all of their resentment, anger, hostility, frustration and disappointment inside.

I’m not saying all you have to do is ask for things and your relationship will be perfect. But, the benefit of asking for something is that you will get some kind of answer — whether it’s the answer you want or not.

So, this Valentine’s Day, why not ask “Will you be my valentine?” and then ask him or her for something specific you want and see what happens. Make sure to ask in a kind way — without defensiveness or bitterness or judgment.

You’ll either be pleasantly surprised by the answer, or if you don’t get the answer you want, let your spouse know that you’d like to talk about it in a productive, kind and loving way. What you might find is, the gift of communication is a lot more meaningful than roses, chocolates, balloons or an overpriced dinner at a trendy restaurant.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! John, will you be my valentine?