Middle school’s reputation hovers somewhere between root canal and jury duty.
The social minefields. The academic load. The pressure to fit in even as your body and brain are doing unrecognizable things.
It doesn’t have to be as bad as all that. With the help of some cheerful, hopeful, knowledgeable experts, the middle school years can be so much more than a period to endure. Author and educator Michelle Icard’s work is some of my favorite on the topic. (Check her out at michelleinthemiddle.com.)
Now there’s a new book, “Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School and Beyond – and How Parents Can Help,” to add to your toolkit. It’s written by Phyllis Fagell, who works as a middle school counselor in Washington, D.C. Her advice is fresh and relevant, welcoming and welcomed.
“Middle schoolers are young enough to be unjaded, but old enough to grasp sophisticated concepts,” Fagell writes. “They can experiment, grow and veer off course while the stakes are low. It’s the ideal time to impart strategies, teach social-emotional skills and foster integrity and healthy risk-taking.”
With patient, loving help, kids can emerge from middle school stronger and wiser than they went in, Fagell maintains. That’s where you – the patient, loving grown-up – come in.
Fagell spells out specific tips for achieving each one and makes the case for why they’re the skills your child needs to thrive in high school and beyond – logistically, socially and emotionally.
The book is infused with the voices of middle school students Fagell has counseled as well as experts in adolescence, including author Peggy Orenstein, cyberbullying researcher Sameer Hinduja, psychologist Lisa Damour and pediatrician Ken Ginsburg.
If there’s a middle schooler in your life, I highly recommend giving it a read.
A few highlights:
On purpose: “Find that one thing that gives your child a sense of purpose, whether it’s singing, running, volunteering, peer mentoring or creative writing,” Fagell writes. “Kids who feel competent are more resistant to peer pressure.”
She talks about a teacher who took a group of students who were frequently in trouble and turned them into a tech squad, responsible for the school’s computerized lighting and sound systems. He bought them black outfits with “Tech Squad” and their names spelled out in glow-in-the-dark letters. Having a purpose – plus the trust of grown-ups and a useful skill – turned their lives around.
On identity: “Everyone has a story, but there’s always a risk that the outside world will oversimplify it,” Fagell writes. She encourages kids to watch Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TED Talk, “The Danger of a Single Story,” about the dangers of reducing someone to a stereotype. For middle schoolers, that can be the fact that they’re adopted or have two moms or need extra time on tests. Helping them understand themselves as more than their “single story” will serve them throughout life and guide them away from stereotyping others without bothering to know their whole story.
On lunchtime: Fagell has some advice for educators to reduce the stress and loneliness that can permeate a school cafeteria. “By periodically assigning seating, you can alleviate that angst and expand students’ social networks,” she writes. “Mix grades so older kids have an opportunity to assist lonely younger kids. You can designate one table for students who want to play cards or board games while they eat. … Lunch is also a time when counselors can facilitate friendship groups, or teachers and administrators can host kids in their classroom or office. Educators can ask kind kids with social capital to invite peers who lack a sense of belonging.”
On making friends: “Help (kids) acquire the social skills they need to be likable, such as showing curiosity by asking questions,” she writes. “You want them to focus on connecting, not impressing.” If they’re having trouble making friends at school, consider an overnight camp, travel sport or some other outlet for meeting nonschool pals. “The burden of popularity is lifted when the goal is simply to befriend nice people.”
The 10 key skills Fagell references in the title:
Make good friend choices.
Negotiate conflict.
Manage a student-teacher mismatch.
Create homework and organization systems.
Consider others’ perspectives.
Self-advocate.
Self-regulate emotions.
Cultivate passions and recognize limitations.
Make responsible, healthy and ethical choices.
Create and innovate.
