Apple is an influential company. You see, I wasn't going to write a 2018 tech predictions article this year, but thanks to Apple HomePods, I felt it necessary to point out the growing futility of perfecting our smart home technology considering not all of us get all our furniture from the dumpster (I get my furniture from the dumpster). So here are some tech trends for 2018.
Apple HomePods require a coaster.
As far as tech trends go, that one will be harder to top than an electric toothbrush that won't turn off. There is nothing more satisfying in tech than building something that your grandmother doesn't want on her coffee table. Use a damn coaster or your mid-century modern coffee table — that you picked up at a thrift store, while driving a (rented) vintage pick-up truck through Tennessee last summer — will get a nasty stain. It's not that bad though, the device only leaves a white ring on tables that have been treated with oil. Surely it'll be fixed before version 2.0.
Speaking about table stains, this year at CES it seemed that every other smart device was only smart because Alexa had gone all ringworm in the foot of innovation. From being the voice of reason in smart fridges to light switches, speakers, projectors and even joining Google Assistant as the go-to for voice assist in new cars, Alexa was more spread out at CES than a joke about the free shrimp up in my suite.
2018 Tech Trend Prediction: Alexa doesn't leave any table stains.
Also see: Stop Being Rude To Amazon Alexa, Carol
Da Blockchain.
"So many great ideas have been simmering in nascency. We expected them to take off right away but often the first iterations fail and others will build on their ashes," says David Teicher, Brand Innovators' Chief Content Officer and resident tech guru, Jets fan and Millennial headphones-at-the-gym product tester. "That's what we'll see with cryptocurrency and quantified self tech."
It'll all be fine as we careen towards some sort of cryptocurrency crash as everything is molded into some insane blockchain based structure with white papers that read like the drunk guy at the end of the bar sounds when he's talking about the future. As soon as someone put bananas on the blockchain, I knew this technology was about to burn holes in our brains.
Even crypto madman Ed Zitron gets it, as his explanation in his latest cryptocurrency newsletter of Dogethereum sums up the sentiment toward current blockchain trends.
"I think the largest problem in cryptocurrency is that there are so many things like this that if you try and explain in plain English they totally fall apart to an almost comically bad degree.
"I can't tell you what half of these projects do. They're all like 'running homeless people on the blockchain' or 'quantum computing, but on the blockchain,' and if you try and ask them what they’re doing they disappear in a puff of smoke and their hat is still spinning in the air.
"Maybe you guys should try putting easily understandable explanations on the blockchain!"
2018 Tech Trend Prediction: Breakfast sandwiches will be integrated into blockchain tech the same day the cryptocurrency bubble bursts.
Your face is the next frontier, again.
Intel wants you to wear glasses that project porn to the back of your retina.
Intel hasn't specifically said porn, rather Intel has said the Vault glasses are intended to display context-sensitive information via self-learning Intel AI. These notifications would include directions, incoming phone calls, and other things like restaurant Yelp ratings. When it comes down to the marketability of these things, what would you rather have projected into the back of your retina? Crappy Yelp reviews from someone who didn't like the way the napkins were folded or a constant stream of progressively kinkier porn?
Intel isn't the only company looking to force you to become the same four-eyed nerd that I've been called since I was six years old.
Apple is getting into the AR glasses game with its 'Project Mirrorshades'. As KnowTechie points out, don't expect these things to hit the market anytime soon. They appear to have been conceived in a lab occupied by Bebop and the cast of a futuristic version of Miami Vice. Regardless, it shows that Apple is ready to step into the AR-on-your-face arena, mopping up the stinking mess that Google Glass left on the ground.
Oh hey, I've been told my entire life by people who don't wear glasses how great it is they don't wear glasses. Now they want to put glasses on their faces so they can get their Snapchat notifications without having to dig into their pockets? Just what I wanted to see on the streets, everyone looking slightly off to the side as they struggle to maintain equilibrium while blinking to reply to a text.
2018 Tech Trend Prediction: AR glasses will be held together with duct tape and gum because you didn't see that wall there.
Self Driving... slippers?
Taking a break from that pesky self-driving car thing that is moving faster than our infrastructure will ever be able to keep up with, Nissan built autonomous footwear, because that was a thing we needed.
2018 Tech Trend Prediction: Heelys are cooler.
Without health tech, would you even health bro?
Fitbit recently purchased health coaching platform Twine Health. Fitbit can already communicate with home healthcare devices, such as glucose monitors. What this means is that soon we'll have health monitoring devices that not only track our steps, but every aspect of our healthy (or moderately unhealthy) lifestyles.
Also serving as my healthy life coach, Teicher was very eloquent in his prediction for this sector, predicting that "health data from Fitbit and Apple Watch devices will combine with nutritional data from meal kits like Blue Apron and metrics from the gym for a fully qualified self."
Better than posting on Facebook when you finish your cross-fit workout, health tech will be monitoring every aspect of your lifestyle. Once it's all integrated, Alexa will question your desire to order that case of cheesy poofs. Your doctor will get updates on your vitals on a monthly basis from your Fitbit. Your mom will get automatic emails to let her know that yes, you are eating enough. Your calories will be tracked right next to the health of your bowel movements, which you can then share through your AR enabled smart glasses with a wink.
2018 Tech Trend Prediction: Snapchat overcomes its terrible redesign by pivoting to health tech.
Consumer technology is poised for some interesting shifts this year. Silicon Valley's disconnect with reality for the last decade or so has led to some great innovations that only need a small push to become useful innovations grounded in function rather than form. This push will come from the demands of the discerning consumer, which doesn't always bode well for innovation. The biggest challenge is going to be that of augmented reality and finding a truly functional and widely accepted use outside of niche projects and cheesy interfaces.
Some rockets landed themselves though, so we're probably on a good path when it comes to technology. So be nice to your smart toaster, it's only a matter of time before it starts judging you for the sheer amount of Pop Tarts you consume.
