From time to time in nearly twenty years of writing this column I’ve written about how everything simply “is” until you attach meaning to it. Something that happens isn’t good or bad until you filter it through your lens and plop it into a bucket that you’ve labeled based on your personal experiences, values, beliefs, and influences. I could use the example of our polarizing president- he simply is the president and once you filter his behavior through your lens he falls into whichever bucket matches your personal beliefs.
Our feelings are the same. They’re simply a variety of emotions that create an experience in our minds and bodies when we have them. From happiness to paranoia, feelings simply “are” until we attach meaning to them.
We may not have power over what feelings we have in a moment. They are triggered by our minds, our personal history, and our experiences. Generally, two or more people could be having a widely different emotional reaction to the very same experience based on their filters and lenses.
This means our feelings have no moral value. Your reaction- whether socially typical or radically out of the box isn’t an indicator the feeling is right or wrong. Your reaction is likely more about your moral judgment about the feeling. If anger is a typical form of expression in your family, it might be an acceptable go-to emotion for self-expression. Whereas, families who saw anger as threatening or inappropriate tend to view anger as morally wrong to express.
This means your feelings aren’t more than a physiological response in your body. They’re simply a response to the stimuli you are exposed to. While feelings have no moral value, your choices do. Your response to your feelings is what matters most. Feeling angry and being a jerk is a choice. Feeling angry and walking away is a choice. Both come from the triggered feeling of anger, but each has a different outcome.
When people say “I can’t help the way I feel” or “It’s just the way I am” they are missing out of the bigger picture. Maybe you can’t help the feeling that wells up inside of you from your past hurts or exposure, but anyone past puberty can adjust the way they respond to their feelings. They are not required to act out on whatever feeling they have at any given time.
Learning to better understand feelings and the reactions they cause helps modify your natural inclinations. It can help curb responses that aren’t in your best interest. Your level of sensitivity might vary from someone else but that doesn’t mean you have to walk through life being easily wounded, explosive, or unable and unwilling to have healthy relationships.
Feelings have no moral value. How you feel is based on your filters, not based on truths. Learning to discern your feelings and act appropriately no matter how you feel helps you maximize your relationships and your day-to-day experiences.
Faydra Koenig, MA is a mental health administrator, author, public speaker, educator and life coach who lives in Red Bluff. She can be reached at coachfaydra@gmail.com or view her blog at ThatMimiLife.com.
