32nd Annual You Are So Nashville If ...

Who’d have thought.

Who’d have thought this time last year that instead of e-scooters and tall-and-skinnies, we’d be talking about global pandemics and nationwide protests.

Don’t get us wrong: The submissions for our 32nd annual “You Are So Nashville If …” contest still included mentions of scooters and gentrification. But last year’s popular submission topics seem almost quaint in comparison to the horrors of 2020. The Tennessee state House speaker sending deeply inappropriate texts? A scandal involving cherry trees and the NFL Draft? How adorable!

Amid this year’s 1,344 reader submissions, COVID-19 was mentioned 128 times. (The word “virus” was misspelled 14 times as “virous,” for what it’s worth.) There were 45 references to the tornado that wreaked havoc upon Nashville in early March, along with 29 mentions of Kid Rock and nine references to widely loathed Lower Broadway honky-tonk owner Steve Smith. Thirty-nine submissions referred to the recent Black Lives Matter protests, while the word “mayor” appeared 36 times, and references to the city’s approved property tax increase came up in 24 instances.

More evergreen Nashville issues appeared as well, of course. Thirteen people referenced pedal taverns, and 12 brought up Dolly Parton. There was talk of murals and guitars and hot chicken, with throwback references to Old Nashville relics like “Techs” — a robot cowboy that used to creep the shit out of patrons at 100 Oaks Mall — and disgraced former Mayor Bill Boner. A handful of Opryland mentions even crept in there, as did some earnest submissions about what an aw-shucks-swell and neighborly town Nashville can be.

But by and large, this year’s YASNI submissions were different from those of years past, because 2020 has been quite different from years past. Even with the ongoing pandemic and civil unrest we see throughout the nation and here in our city, however, YASNI has once again shown us that Nashville knows how to have a laugh at itself. So join us in having a chuckle, and see what made the cut for this year’s “You Are So Nashville If …” issue. —D. PATRICK RODGERS, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

First Place

Your idea of contact tracing is checking for hand stamps from Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk & Rock ’N’ Roll Steakhouse. — Megan Minarich 

About the Winner: 

Megan Minarich says she loves writing You Are So Nashville If entries. She looks forward to submitting every year. 

“But it was hard to write them this year,” she says. “Really hard.” 

You know the timeline: The March 3 tornado hit, the first case of COVID-19 was confirmed in Davidson County, the city went on lockdown, and the world went dark. “Then, among all of these things,” says Minarich, “we have rampant, unchecked state violence against Black people. It was hard to sit down and try to channel this very validated sadness and rage into something that is constructively critical.” 

But she did, and her winning entry stood out from a pool of similarly themed jabs directed at Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk & Rock ’N’ Roll Steakhouse (yes, that’s it’s real, full name). The Lower Broadway meat market and disease emporium was among the local establishments cited last month for failure to comply with public health emergency orders designed to slow the spread of COVID-19. One photo that made its way around social media not long before the citation was issued showed the club crowded with seemingly science-phobic maskless patrons — with a masked bartender in the middle of the crowd, working her shift.

“I think that speaks to how many people are being forgotten and are not being considered,” says Minarich. “Maybe that bartender needs that job and can’t lose that job. I don’t think we categorize bartenders as essential workers, but moving out to folks who are working in grocery stores, folks who are working in health care — can’t we all just make decisions that help make their lives safer? I don’t know what is so hard about that.” 

Hats off to Minarich for hitting the nail on the head. —ERICA CICCARONE

Second place

You have to actually buy a vibrator now that 440 is smooth. — Ashley H. 

Third Place

The pandemic lockdown reduced you to a meat-and-one. — Allison Lund

Honorable Mentions

Your neighbor is in discussions with Live Nation to manage their porch concert. — Anne Marie Danko 

You bought Vanderbilt season tickets because you miss football but still want to social distance. — Brian Bates

You’ve had more mayors than sexual partners since 2018. — Daniel Ryan

You receive a Confederate flag mask as a gift, but won’t wear it because the idea of wearing a mask offends you. — Andy Logan

Your mayor looks like a worried Muppet character. — Michael Robertson 

Your bagel shop went full Pizzagate. — Charlie Harris

Your city just had its greatest civil rights protest in half a century, and all you got were these lousy Boot Barn kicks.  — Cindi Brown

Your state-issued mask not only helps you protect the well-being of others, but kills all the weeds in your garden. — Andy Gasparini

You hoped the East Nashville tornado was powerful enough to take out the East Nashville Facebook page. — Hilary Jones

You changed your 12-string guitar to a 6-string guitar for social distancing reasons. — Gregory Delzer

And the Rest

A tornado cut your city in half in the middle of the night and you thought, “Well, this year can only get better …” — Andy Gasparini

Your property tax opinion is formed by the experiences of your favorite whole-hog BBQ restaurant. — Jade Swafford

You won’t let the government take away your right to hear covers of “Don’t Stop Believing” and “Sweet Home Alabama.” — Nate Griffin

You voted for Cooper for mayor BECAUSE of his eyebrows. — Erik Thorson

You wish they would put a little step stool behind the podium for Mayor Cooper.  — Allison Lund

You’re an ICU nurse taking care of COVID-19 patients by day, and partying at Tin Roof by night. — Brian Siskind

You think ham comes in two flavors, city and country. — Tom Battle

You make pedestrians wash their hands before they drop money into your guitar case. — Hilary Jones

You saw a mangled road barrier and thought it was another crazy city sculpture. — Rhonda Cook

You’re sure glad you’re not mayor anymore. — Trent Hanner

Instead of playgrounds, you take your kids to the dinosaur statue farm in Bellevue. — Alex Daugherty

You stood outside Metro Council for 12 hours to demand funding for the @NashSevereWx Twitter account. — Wes Boling

You’re grateful for everyone over at @NashvilleSevereWX, because a twitter account that saves actual lives is a bright spot for us all. — Andy Gasparini

You’re both saddened and impressed by the way Kid Rock is able to out-douchebag himself every year. — Andy Gasparini

You’d been avoiding Steve Smith’s Big Honky Tonk Disease Vectors way before COVID. — Lauren MacLeod

You think using Tootsie’s bathrooms has made you immune to COVID-19. — Jenna Loofbourrow

You’ll only go near Broadway during quarantine. — Jesse Newkirk

“Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy diggy, shake the boogie said up jump the boogie,” is exactly the sound you made while getting a COVID-19 test after spending a night at Kid Rock’s bar during a pandemic. — Drew Maynard

Coronavirus wasn’t the worst virus you contracted at Kid Rock’s Honky Tonk. — Ashley H. 

You’ve both lost and found a thong on Broadway. — Mike Hammontree

During the pandemic, you change the Music City Hot Tub water twice a week instead of once. — Allison Lund

You reminisce about a time when scooters were the biggest threat to downtown. — Alex Daugherty

You think Steve Smith is a dick. — Jamie Yost

You are surprised it took COVID-19 to finally land Kid Rock’s bar a health department citation. — Allison Lund

You can identify the hierarchy within a bachelorette party on first sight. — Sarah Fye

You realize the neighborhood is really going to hell when Tomi Lahren moves in. — Allison Lund

Tomi Lahren moved here lol wtf. — Chase Stejskal

Quit complaining Tomi, you just got here. — Nate Griffin

Even after a year, you’re still wondering where the MCC roadrunner was. — Hilary Jones

You’ve seen more Nathan Bedford Forrest protests than bachelorette parties in 2020. — Gary Potak

You have been happily chanting “Build the wall!” … between I-65 and the Nathan Bedford Forrest statue.  — Cindi Brown

You think pink is a good color for EVERY racist’s fake horse. — Tripp Sullivan

Jade Fuller, Nya Collins, Zee Thomas, Kennedy Green, Emma Rose Smith and Mikayla Smith are the only people you have ever been glad to see commuting from Franklin to Nashville. — Daniel Ryan

You are one of the city’s most effective social justice organizers, and you’re only 14 (or 15 or 16) years old. — Cindi Brown

The bigger your protest sign, the closer you are to God. — Daniel Smith

You ask for the set list at a march or demonstration. — Elisa Hertzan

You think “No justice, no peace, no racist police” should be the CMA Song of the Year. — Cindi Brown

You bought a Tennessee handgun carry permit with a Groupon. — Rhonda Cook

You remember the days when Franklin had just one unsolved murder. — Brent Andrews

Your dog has more Instagram followers than your music account. — Jamie Yost

You know what your favorite band’s living room looks like. — John Rodrigue

You finally got a houseplant to live because you weren’t gone on tour. — Jamie Yost

You’ve started a GoFundMe so Jason Isbell can take some time off. — Jesse Newkirk

Your quarantine schedule was arranged around Amanda Shires’ I So Lounging daily stream. — Andy Gasparini

You heard the CDC recommend men shave off their facial hair to fight the coronavirus, and you just hoped to God that Bob Mueller didn’t take their advice. — Zack Bennett

You’re pretty sure we should probably still be in phase one. — Andy Gasparini

Coronavirus unemployment is the only time you’ve ever gotten paid for work as a creative. — Alissa Lindemann

You’ll trade a copy of your new EP for a roll of toilet paper. — Hilary Jones

Your whiskey and hand sanitizer are both from Corsair. — Gary Potak

You blame Nashville traffic when you’re late to a Zoom meeting. — Kat Alexander

Your dog can go to a restaurant but not a dog park. — Ken Lass

Your vacant Airbnb became your doomsday prep facility. — Abby George

You like to think of your at-home quarantine as the only private prison your government won’t throw money at. — Charlie Harris

You wish they would bring Snowbird back to give coronavirus updates. — Allison Lund

During stay-at-home orders all you want is a goddamn Bushwacker. — Jade Swafford

Your mask says “essential business” but your hair says “quarantine.” — Alex Daugherty

Help! — Hilary Jones

I’m trapped! — Hilary Jones

What day is it? — Nate Griffin

You decided NOT to name your new country duo “The War of Northern Aggression.” — Dan McNamara

Steve Glover tried to eliminate your job in his budget plan. — Daniel Ryan

You believe the only kind of art degree is a God-fearing art degree. — Allison Lund

You’re wondering whatever happened to the White Bridge Road Happy Man. — Jesse Newkirk

You thought “BDE” stood for Big Dolly Energy. — Jamie Yost

You watch Goodnight With Dolly and you don’t even have kids. — Hilary Jones

You act like I built Fort Nashborough when I tell you I’ve been here for 12 years. — Jesse Newkirk

You’re sad you have to miss out on your birthday dog bowl at the Villager this year. — Katherine Klockenkemper

You realize “it city” was just an old sign on Dickerson Road with a “T” burned out. — Lucas Leverett

You still have nightmares about TECHS the robot cowboy. — Michelle Muldoon

You’re pretty sure Miranda Lambert’s chickens live in a nicer place than your $1,400-a-month rental. — Mina Willis

You love wearing a mask to Kroger because no one sees you singing along to Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car.” — Matt North

Your tall/skinny house breaks social distancing rules. — Rie Schaffer

You’ve been following along to 2020 by reading the Book of Revelation. — Daniel Spartan Smith

You prefer your shorts to be jorts. — Steven Younes

Thank god Frugal MacDoogal is considered “essential.” — Hilary Jones

Taylor Swift totally misread your scooter ban. — Allison Lund

You wondered why Carlos Ghosn went to Lebanon instead of going straight to Franklin. — Mary Wade

You think that if Lady A wanted to hearken back to a simpler, bygone era of Nashville, they should have changed their name to Lady AnteBoner. — Charlie Harris

You’re fine with Lady A and The Chicks but think Keith Urban is just trying too hard. — Brian Bates

You twerked on the pews of the Ryman at the Lizzo show. — Daniel Ryan

You feel like Dr. Jahangir is Dr. Fauci but in Sweet Tea form. — Clifton Kaiser

You kind of have a crush on Dr. Jahangir. — Jackie Hughes

You’ve had to play Tetris with your car in the Brown’s Automotive parking lot. — Jon Little

You ordered a piece of BNA carpet for a doormat. — Lauren Jacoby

You will start an uprising if the holy BNA carpet is ripped out during the airport expansion. — Johnny Smith

Your daughter used to walk up to Little Richard’s table at Piccadilly Cafeteria and spark up a conversation with him when she could barely talk. — Dickie Soloperto

Your every decision triggers the General Assembly to pass a law against it. — Scott Sprouse

You see teenagers recording videos everywhere they go, but it will cost your police department $36 million to do the same. — Stephen Yeargin

Your Metropolitan Nashville Airport Authority commissioner can’t keep tabs on his own damn airplane. — Stephen Yeargin

You call your dealer inquiring if he has senior hours. — Tom Still

Your city is worse with money than you are. — Trent Hanner

You’re using your Nashville SC scarf as a makeshift face mask. — Hilary Jones

You’ve been to Nissan Stadium for more soccer games than Titans games. — Hilary Jones

You watched Titans fans perfect social distancing inside Nissan Stadium for years. — Daniel Ryan

You realize everything went to hell after the Preds rolled out that pedal tavern on ice.  — Alex Daugherty

You ran a chess pie down the road to that nice Pekka Reeny when he moved in up the way. — Belinda Rollins

Taylor Lewan’s new back tattoo has more ink than The Tennessean’s news section.  — Daniel Ryan

You traded your Project 615 T-shirts for NASCAR T-shirts. — Ashley H.

Your name is Jason Marsden and you just can’t stand John Rich and thought this would be the perfect platform to announce that. — Jason Marsden

You are still waiting for Demetria Kalodimos to come back and kick some ass. — Jeff Shearer

You’re sad to see the Schermerhorn become the next country star’s bar. — Kat Alexander

Your state Senate confused commemorating women’s suffrage with inflicting women’s suffering. — Megan Minarich

Your state legislature can’t decide which is less important: racism or poverty. — Rob Robinson

Well, rip that state budget right out of my uterus! — Megan Minarich

You can’t stop coughing from all the smoke everyone’s blowing up each other’s buttholes around here. — Sarah Fye

No, really, there’s nothing like the Belcourt popcorn.  — Trent Hanner

You would like it — nay, love it — if Tim McGraw challenged human tongue depressor Bill Hagerty for U.S. Senate. — Cliff Meyer

You still think about that crane operator, and hope he’s doing ok. — Andy Gasparini

The Doordash guy is the lead singer of your favorite band. — Hilary Jones

You didn’t enter YASNI this year because The Tennessean told you the world was ending July 18. — Brian Bates

You survived the July 18, 2020, nuclear attack on Nashville. — Stacy Harris

Your daughter’s driver’s ed teacher is former Mayor Bill Boner. — Courtney Peterson

You can’t shake dreaming about cigarettes that are nine miles long. — Jeff Shearer

You handled the tornadoes, the pandemic shutdowns, but lost it when John Prine died. — Chris Adams

Even though you never really met him, you feel like you lost a good friend when John Prine died. — Ron Arnett

You miss David Olney. — Crazie Ed

You’re in a protest or a tornado and John Partipilo shows up. — Crazie Ed

You eat a plate of XXX Hot Chicken before the protest so the tear gas won’t even faze you. — Aunt Tifa

It’s not Christmas until you see NewsChannel 5’s commercial. — Hilary Jones

You want to pitch-correct the 8 o’clock howl. — Alison Logan

You don’t need more sophisticated contact tracing to know all West Nashville COVID cases are connected to the Sperry’s salad bar. — Charlie Harris

You lived through an EF-3 tornado, a pandemic, murder hornets, and somehow the most surprising thing to happen in 2020 is 440 being completed ahead of time. — Katy Fry

Your phone STILL autocorrects “Canada” to “Casada.” — Hilary Jones

You miss Area Bear. — Trent Hanner

The beeping of a backhoe in reverse is your morning wake-up alarm. — Rhonda Cook

Your Gilligan’s Island arctic cruise nearly drowns the state Democratic party. — Tripp Sullivan

You Googled “How to Zoombomb the YASNI submission meeting.” — Hilary Jones

You ... welp … umm … just … I got nuthin’. — Michael Williams

Weirdies 

YOUR MOTHER MADE YOUR PROM DRESS OUT OF POTATO CHIP BAGS.

Your doctor has a plaque on his wall that says “we cured Travis Tritt’s pink eye.”

You were pissed that last year’s Weirdies were printed anonymously; ’cuz one of your entries made it on that list and now you can’t prove it was yours!

You refuse to buy peaches from those “Georgia Peach Stands” because YOU ALWAYS BUY LOCAL !!

you wait until Saturday morning at 10 am to have a huge personal argument with your teenager in the checkout line at Kroger

you cant find your butt with both hands!

Past Winners:

1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. — Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. — Maralee Self

1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, “We really kicked y’all’s ass in that Desert Storm.” — Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. — Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is referred to as “the studio audience.” — Sharon Kasserman

1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. — Paul Allen

1995: No winner

1996: You never meant to stay here this long. — Robert Jetton

1997: You’ve checked your flower bed for Janet March. — Terry Robertson

1998: You’re the only one who doesn’t know you’re gay. — Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mom. — Rick Hagey

2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. — Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. — Ken Lass

2002: Towns you’ve never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. — Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. — Cindy Parrish

2004: You need a war to sell records. — Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald’s instead of health care coverage. — Ken Lass

2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. — Michael Williams

2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. — Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. — Roy Moore

2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. — Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. — David Anthony

2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. — Dana Delworth

2012: You think Bart Durham should direct The Real Housewives of Nashville. — Holly Matthews

2013: You think the TV show should have been called Mount Juliette. — Bill Hench

2014: Your amp goes to 11, but not to Belle Meade. — Zack Bennett

2015: You’re afraid Bob Mueller’s mustache will be torn down to build a high-rise apartment building. — Zack Bennett

2016: Your therapist doesn’t know you’re gay. — Russell Ries Jr.

2017: In June, you were citing Rule No. 48.24-B that states a goal can be reviewed if an inadvertent whistle caused a stoppage in play. In January, you thought hockey was played with a ball. — Brian Bates

2018: Nashville is canceled. Also, the TV show was not renewed. — Charlie Harris

2019: Your idea of “light rail” means doing just a little bit of coke.  — Katie Wesolek