Face it, parents. Your kids love scary stuff no matter how hard you try to shoo them away from such things.
You can see the signs of this everywhere this time of year. It starts early; one second your kids are sneaking up to your cart with a big box of Count Chocula or FrankenBerry and then next, they’re running up to you at the video store holding a copy of some movie with a cover featuring a demon while looking up at you with those big eyes you can’t say no to.
And that’s exactly what I saw go down at the video store this week while loading up on fodder for my annual “31 Horror Movies in 31 Days” October Marathon. A little kid tottered around the new release shelf and handed a movie to his dad who looked at it and said, “No way. This is way too scary for you!”
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I’ll give that kid credit. He stood his ground, retorting, “No it’s not. It’s got the girl from that show in it.” Love that logic. This movie couldn’t be too scary for me because it’s got the girl from the show that you let me watch in it. She’d never be in something that would be on past my bedtime.
I’m glad to know kids still carry on the long-honored tradition of wandering around the video store unattended, looking at all those movies and imagining a world where you could rent anything you wanted without parental permission using your very own laminated card. What’s that? They don’t do cards anymore? Guess that means I can throw out my membership I.D.s for Kelsey’s Broadway Video and Stars and Stripes, right?
Of course, such things were sure a lot more interesting back in the ‘80s. While your parents were trying to decide if they should rent “Out of Africa” or “The Trip To Bountiful,” you could tip-toe to the horror section and really, and I mean really, get your mind warped.
And trust me, anyone reading this close to my age who remembers those days can tell you, horror movie box and poster art didn’t screw around back then.
Those producers knew they had one chance to get you to pick that movie up, or if it was Stars and Stripes, remove that red tag off the nail (yellow if you wanted Beta), and that was by putting the grisliest image they could right in your face. Seriously, do a Google Image search of “’80s Horror VHS Boxes” and be prepared to feel like you need a Silkwood Scrub.
Back in the day, studios felt like such a practice was so warranted that these oft-upsetting images often made their way into your local newspaper’s entertainment pages, almost in their entirety. This is why I bring you two select examples of just such a thing. Be prepared to hide the kiddies!
First up, from our very own Journal Gazette, comes this 1985 Time Theater ad for “Ghoulies”, which inexplicably was in its second week here in Mattoon. I say “inexplicably” because I have seen “Ghoulies” and let me tell you, “Ghoulies” is no “Gremlins”. Heck, it’s not even a “Critters” or a “Munchies,” sad to say.
Because I can remember virtually nothing about the plot of “Ghoulies”, here’s a passage from my very own notes, written probably about 10 years ago:
“A strapping young man inherits his late father’s mansion and soon discovers that it was once the location of satanic rituals. He quickly becomes obsessed (or possessed) and starts carrying on his dad’s evil traditions, holding a ceremony that releases a group of demonic little creatures which help him carry out dear old dad’s final plan for Satanic power.”
Oddly enough, I mentioned absolutely nothing about a fake-looking puppet emerging from your toilet.
“Scanners,” on the other hand, is reasonably well-respected today. A gory mystery involving telekinetics who have the ability to read minds, pull information from computer systems, and yes, blow you up from the inside out, which is exactly what you are seeing in that infamous poster which I had to get from the Herald and Review archives.
For while "Scanners" did play in Mattoon at the Skyway Drive-In during a “Dusk to Dawn” quadruple-bill on Sept. 5, 1982, also including (deep breath) “Prom Night,” “The Fog,” and “The Howling,” the Journal it seems, didn't print that classic illustration of Michael Ironside, as the loathsomely named “Daryl Revok” in the final moments of an extreme “scanning,” with the helpful second-by-second guide to just what a scanner can do to your innards printed off to the side.
In a moment of last-second serendipity, I discovered that, at some point, I had also clipped out a letter to the editor from the Feb. 5, 1981, Herald and Review from Dwight Van Zant of Decatur, who was so horrified by the advertising alone that he opined, “A movie about people who can make people’s bodies explode?” and that it “appeals to the base human interest in watching other people suffer, hence the rubber-necking at car wrecks and other disasters.”
It must be noted that years later the same director would make a movie about folks who were, let’s just say, very interested in car accidents.
And when Mr. Van Zant closed out by writing that “Scanners” and movies like it only “illustrate how low movie investors will go to make a dollar,” he’s got a point. According to eBay, a framed vintage “Scanners” poster will set you back about 250 bucks.
Poor “Ghoulies,” on the other hand, will only cost you about $70, but that’s without the frame, which I’m sure you could just have done at Prairie Gardens if you’re looking for that perfect Christmas gift for the weirdo in your life.
And don’t forget to throw in a box of Boo-Berry.
"The Throwback Machine" is a weekly feature taking a look back at items of interest found in the JG-TC online archives. For questions, suggestions, or his "Song of the Day" recommendation, contact him at cwalker@jg-tc.com.