The struggles of being a gay, Christian woman are depicted through music and spoken word in a powerful short film released by the Manchester Camerata.
Violinist Caroline Pether has been with the Manchester orchestra since 2013 after she graduated from the Royal Northern College of Music.
Only two years later, she was promoted to co-leader of the Camerata and has remained in the role ever since.
While her talent has propelled her into the spotlight performing violin concertos at the Bridgewater Hall, Caroline has spent years facing an internal battle between who she felt he had to be and who she really was.
Caroline has known she was gay since she was a teenager but also becoming Christian at the same time, she didn’t know if her faith and sexuality would ever be able to truly align with one another.
“I was in a church community that had very black and white views on homosexuality and believed it was sinful and should be prayed away,” Caroline, 30, tells the M.E.N.
“One of the really difficult things about that theology is that any deviation is seen as being tempted away or doing something wrong.
“That only ever conveniently backs up the viewpoint that it’s something people should be ashamed of.”
Caroline, who is from Solihull but now lives in south Manchester, came out as gay seven years ago at the age of 23.
She says she could come out after she found a way to break free from the belief system she had been brought up to trust.
“I prayed a lot that I wouldn't be gay and I suppose that because that never changed anything, I began to question if praying the gay away would really ever work,” she explained.
“I started reading books that offered alternative ways to read the bible and I realised that church leaders don’t actually have this direct line to god.
“That realisation was very important and helped me be able to trust my own journey and moral compass, but there are people who can’t do that and will spend their whole lives hoping they can pray away the gay.”
Caroline’s battle with her faith and sexuality is now being told through music and prose in a short film by Manchester Camerata.
Her story will appear in the first episode of a new 'Untold' series of films, released on Thursday (October 1), that tells intimate personal stories of real people in the community.
Alongside fellow musicians of the Camerata, Caroline tells her story through music by Haydn, Arvo Pärt, Strauss and Harbison, which was performed at The Monastery in Gorton.
“This episode aims to take the audience on a journey from shame, despair and loneliness through to the place where I find myself now in acceptance, peace and celebration,” Caroline explains.
“When I was choosing the music, I wanted to choose pieces that reflected those emotional spheres of each stage of my journey and how I was able to work through that.
“Music and film has this power of going straight to the heart and I hope it can do that for people.”
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Directed by filmmaker Paul Sapin, the film also features original spoken word written and performed by poet Jackie Kay, which is based around Caroline’s experiences.
“Jackie has done incredible work in being able to reflect the emotions and really brought an added element of what we were trying to achieve with the music,” Caroline adds.
“Throughout the whole process, we had lots of conversations together through email and Zoom to figure out how the poetry could work out alongside the music.
“She’s also a gay woman so we had that kind of close connection in the sense that she was really able to understand a lot of the things I was going through.”
While the Untold films aim to raise funds to keep the Camerata going, it is also part of a project connecting the orchestra to the local community - particularly during the pandemic.
“The orchestra really wanted to respond to this time,” Caroline says.
“We didn’t want to batten down the hatches and wait it out. We really wanted to try and create something that pulled people in and really engaged with them.”
Reiterating the aim of the project, Bob Riley, the Chief Executive of Manchester Camerata, said it was an important opportunity to make a ‘positive impact’ while still ‘capturing the magic’ of the orchestra.
“Part of our job as an orchestra is to serve the communities we live in, reflect things that matter to them, and make a positive impact,” Bob added.
“The recent crisis held the mirror up to this and made us question our purpose, and how to continue to make that impact.
“Our aim was simple - recreate the power and connectivity of being at a live music gig, without simply replaying a concert. We think it’s captured some of that magic.”
Caroline said she also hopes the films will show how music can play a crucial role in the healing process.
“We really wanted to try and create something that pulled people in and really engaged with them,” she adds.
“I’m very keen for this story to reach anyone who’s felt lonely or ashamed and show them that there is hope - it’s not this impossible puzzle that can’t be solved.
“We really feel that these stories are reflective of our community and when people watch these episodes, we hope they can see themselves and the make-up of what we see in Greater Manchester.”
Caroline – the first in Manchester Camerata’s Untold Series streams at 8pm on Thursday (October 1) on United We Stream.
Manchester Camerata has also launched an appeal to raise £250,000 to offset the cumulative loss of income from cancelled performances and secure its future. You can donate to the appeal here.
