The perfect college football Saturday

We are one week into the season, and it was a weird start to the college football year.

Besides the abomination of a performance our eyes were subjected to in Lubbock, the basically empty stadium was a huge shock. I didn’t see how the university handled tailgating, but I have to imagine it was subdued if any occurred.

Even more so this year, everyone is going to have to watch from their couch. In the year from hell that 2020 has been, every fan needs to find ways to maximize their enjoyment. So I dug deep and created for everyone the perfect Saturday.

Step 1: Wake up in your Texas Tech pajamas, change into your lucky gear

We need the luck this year people, I don’t care if you wear the same underwear for the entire season. Find the magic and get it on early.

Step 2: College GameDay on the TV, first alcoholic beverage of the day in hand.

Some people are not heavy drinkers, I being one of them. Hell, I don’t even like beer, which is the ideal beverage for this situation but whatever the case drinks are to be had. A true fan cancels their Saturday plans and isn’t driving anywhere. What should you eat for breakfast? Who cares, get drinking before having to watch this defense—you need it.

Step 3: Cry softly when all of GameDay picks Tech’s opponent

Okay, this will hurt. By far the lowest point of the day will be hearing how little the pundits think of Tech. At this point the alcohol won’t numb the pain as they review just how bad the secondary is.

Step 4: The noon games begin, locate your A,B and C games. The second alcoholic beverage is now in your hand (unless you chose liquor, than you should be halfway through the first)

The glory of college football is before you. If the Aggies are playing, this is an easy choice for the A game. Root for their inevitable failure with glee. These games might include Tech, but for the sake of this article we will assume a timeline for the Texas game when Tech is in primetime waiting to be scorched through the air. Find the best upsets, or root for any of your secondary teams. If you are a conference rah-rah person, go cheer for our conference mates besides Baylor.

Step 5: Lunch time is here, a large sub sandwich is the ideal choice and a rum and coke pairs nicely

The drinks are flowing now, beer drinkers you are letting the team down if your third beer is not open. Whatever you are drinking, we want buzzed not drunk here so the high choleric value of a big sandwich is perfect. Plus, it’s easy to eat while keeping your eyes on the screen.

Step 5: The mid-day games are on, and you are locked in

Some people use this time to do chores or yard work. No sir, we all work hard during the week our reward is nonstop football. Getting bored of these games? Get the radio out, find the best game and head outside. The whole family can play cornhole, or lawndarts. Tech’s game is coming, relax while you still can.

Step 6: Beg the heavens to have mercy on Tech and you as a fan

Self explanatory here, we need all the help we can to survive watching the game. Even if you are a true die-hard fan and believe Tech could still win the title, all Tech games are adventures.

Step 7: Kick off is imminent, wings have been prepared and you have an ample supply of alcohol on hand

Don’t like wings? Are you a vegan? Trying to diet? No excuses, wings are the ultimate football food. Take one for the team, and get chowing. The alcohol is even more critical, most of it will be consumed.

Step 8: Halftime, back to crying softly

Well, that was hard to watch. None of us expected that freshmen walk-on to score a 90-yard touchdown without being touched. The scoreboard wasn’t designed to count that high. But we aren’t quitters, wipe your eyes grab another drink and dial in. If Tech scores on every single possession and goes for two there is still a chance this won’t be a blowout.

Step 9: The game has ended, it’s time to sit quietly in the dark

Four hours of hope, only to end on a double fumble touchdown return. How does Tech keep finding ways to lose like this? As you evaluate your fandom, take solace. This was a good day and you made the fanbase proud. Now get some sleep, use tomorrow to get over the physical and emotional hangover and start buying supplies for next Saturday.