We are all experiencing loss from coronavirus. Let us push back with love: OPINION
The world has changed, but it is also a new start.
All of us who have faced loss in life know the weight and sadness of grief, and have been through the process of walking our way through it. We are at a moment where everyone is facing some loss due to the novel coronavirus, and we are all facing a collective loss. We must understand the grief we feel, whether it is the death or sickness of a cherished person, the loss of a job or the societal loss of a way of life that we had taken for granted just over a month ago.
For many, like me, it brings up the wounds of earlier losses and the grief we felt in those moments. I remember so indelibly the nine months spent more than a decade ago in the neonatal intensive care unit with my identical twin daughters.
The memory is seared into me washing our hands every time we spent time with our premie daughters, the care given by nurses and doctors around the clock and the constant state of the unknown of what would happen. I remember the bells and whistles of medical devices that became background noise, the constant state of alert and the pit in my stomach when the phone rang with an update. There was our daughters' fight for survival, and the evening one of our daughters was no longer going to make it. I held her mom, as she held in her arms one of our daughters as she breathed her last breath. The tiny, innocent life never got the chance to live outside of that room in the hospital.
We also knew we had to be strong for our other daughter who was still fighting for survival in the hospital and who would not breathe on her own until she was a 1-year-old. In that time, there was shedding tears in private, in the car or in the shower as the water mixed with the salty tears. As more good days outnumbered the bad, we could finally see the light at end of that journey, and began to believe again that we would ultimately bring one of our daughters home. And today that daughter is a beautiful, bright, adorable 17-year-old young woman.
We lost not only one of our daughters, but the life we had envisioned ahead when we got the new bedroom ready to welcome two healthy, active children home. The dream one holds of joy and laughs and love of a normal birth process turned into a new and different reality.
Our country, and each of us, is going through a similar trauma as we confront the reality of a new way of life in the midst of this pandemic and the unknown ahead. The life we all knew a month ago is now gone -- whether it be how we relate to one another, the normal joys of daily living we experienced before, the devastating effect on our economy, or the mystery of a new world we weren't prepared to sail into before this. We each need to acknowledge this collective loss and allow our hearts, minds and bodies to experience the grief we each hold.
Having experienced not this exact loss, but a devastating loss nonetheless, I have a few key pieces of advice that helped me come out a more open, compassionate and understanding person.
First, look for opportunities, no matter how small, for moments of gratitude. Even in the midst of tears and grief we can all find things to be grateful for -- a warm cup of coffee, the beauty of a sunrise, the laughter of friends and family or the discovery of something about ourselves that gives us an opening into our mystery as a human being.
Second, let us look for opportunities to serve or help others in the middle of our own grief and sadness. When we were in the NICU we looked for ways to help out the nurses and doctors we were blessed to have. We even brought in a huge cake in the first month for those helpers to share amidst all the sorrow and chaos. We never suspected after that first month we would end up bringing in nine cakes for the nine months we were there. There are so many opportunities for us to help the people who are on the front line in this crisis as well as so many in our communities who are struggling.
Third, understand that although we are in a new and different world, there doesn't have to be a tragedy in the aftermath. It is and will be vastly different, however, let us look at what is ahead creatively and open ourselves to maybe a different way of living. Let us use it as an opportunity to know what is truly most important, let us live a simpler more-meaningful life, let us find the joys in entirely different kinds of moments that we no longer take for granted, and let us relate to each other with greater compassion and understanding.
We will get through this moment and all the losses we will face. It is OK to hold onto a deep sadness, and it is also OK to be angry as we experience this loss unfolding. In fact, I was very mad at God for a lengthy period over the losses I faced until I understood it was my faith that gave me the strength to get to a better place.
Allow yourself to sit with the grief of the loss of the world as we knew it and know that everyone in their own way is sharing with you in this collective loss. Let us be kind and patient with others as they struggle and let us all help lift one another's hearts so the tears become less and the smiles become more. And let us push back against the fears with a love that is more powerful.
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