My fiance won't sign a prenup. What should I do?

Dear A&E,

I’m selling my London flat and buying a house; my parents generously gave me my inheritance early. I’m excited, particularly as my boyfriend, who I’ve been dating long-distance for two years, is moving from the US to the UK for me and we plan to get married. The only sticking point is that when I approached the idea of a prenuptial agreement, he refused. I understand, as I love and trust him. But I still see the hard-earned money as technically my parents’ and they want to protect that. I feel caught between them and my future husband. — Tangled

Dear Tangled,

This is the kind of problem that is like a tiny knot in a beautiful chain – somehow it throws the wearing of it out of sorts. And when you (reluctantly) sit down to unpick it, it feels like it’s only getting worse, and your fingers are too clumsy, and you can’t wait for that moment when it is all shaken free. You have beautiful things – a house, a soon-to-be husband, loving parents – and yet this is a niggle that has taken on a life of its own. So, let’s try to untangle it a bit for you, Tangled.

First let’s deal with your boyfriend, who is moving to the UK after months in lockdown and will be feeling the impending dislocation intensely. With the backdrop of the pandemic, everything is exacerbated and presumably your conversations about the prenup have been over the phone/Zoom, which will have amplified the disconnection. No one likes to make a life-altering leap of faith (new job, new friends, new country) and be told it might go wrong down the line. It’s depressing. He is preparing to make the leap while simultaneously feeling wrong-footed. Also, prenups hold more weight in the US and he will have absorbed the social stigma around them.

Enough about him; we’ve acknowledged his feelings and he has been heard. Let’s talk about you. If this is something that is incredibly important to you, and he can’t hear you, then you have a problem that isn’t about money. He may be flouncing, but hopefully he will calm down, because he probably has a practical side. There are lots of things about getting married that require a level of practicality that is definitely not romantic. BUT, if you manage to navigate through these predicaments? Well, that’s quite romantic. Better to start having these conversations now, Tangled. If it’s a deal-breaker then it’s a deal-breaker. But it probably isn’t.

It might be different if you had earned this money but, as it is a gift from your parents, it’s no surprise that you are swept up by their instinct to protect it. So, how to have the conversation? We asked Claire Yorke, legal director at Mishcon de Reya, for her advice. Claire pointed out that it might help your fiancé to know the legal background. ‘Were you and your fiancé to divorce in future, you do not want a court to potentially transfer the assets your parents have worked so hard for to your ex. This is more likely if you don’t have a prenuptial agreement, and if the funds stay in your home, an asset that the English court may divide regardless of how it has been funded.’ Long story short, it is not about you not trusting him personally but rather the vagaries of the English court.

Claire is also keen to stress that while prenuptial agreements are not formally binding in England and Wales, if properly negotiated and entered into, they can be highly influential. You can also redraw it as your circumstances change.

Her practical advice is as follows: ask a neutral third party to assist the discussion and a limited agreement. ‘One possible solution is to propose an agreement that is reciprocal, so that neither of you would be able to claim against any funds that the other inherits. In that way the agreement 
is letting you start your marriage on 
a clean sheet, with the two of you building your future together independent of others,’ she says. A clean sheet. For your marital bed. We are passionate about clean sheets. And they’re rather romantic.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally.

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