Roy Exum
Knowing I love humor, readers are quick to share funny things with me. The Saturday Funnies on Chattanoogan.com have become a hit but the other day my dear friend John sent me a handful that deserves its own headline.
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility …
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No, sir.
But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
* * *
THREE MORE OF THE BEST COMEBACKS
NUMBER 2:
Now We Know Why He Was a General –
In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
* * *
NUMBER 3:
Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?
"Oh, no ma'am. We don't go there to talk."
* * *
NUMBER 4:
Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .
Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: (... Total silence)
* * *
The guys at the golf course asked me to name an actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
I'm old, and I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot.
* * *
THE TEN BEST INSULTS
1. You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
2. You’re impossible to underestimate.
3. Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?
4. Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the third one down.
5. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
6. In the land of the witless, you would be king.
7. Stupidity is not a crime. So you’re free to go.
8. If the year 2020 was a person, it would be you.
9. If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.
10. I’m sorry if you don’t like my honesty, but to be fair, I don’t like your lies.
* * *
Don’t forget … if you get any funny stories or jokes on the Internet please forward them to royexum@aol.com so we can share in your laugher. Any stories or jokes must be innocent enough for your 12-year-old daughter but have you ever watched a 12-year-old with the giggles? Add to the magic.
Thanks so much.
royexum@aol.com