If you’re alone on February 14—called “Saint Valentine’s,” or the “Feast of Saint Valentine,” or the “Day Where Men Everywhere Must Remember the Name for That One Flower She Likes, Which is White, or Maybe Pink, or Maybe Both, and Has This Crinkly Look to It, You Know What We’re Talking About?”—don’t worry. When you wake up on Tuesday, February 15, you’ll be alone then, too.
Miriam Webster defines Valentine’s Day as a capitalist construct to promote monogamy, spur excess consumerism, and prop up the economy of the Netherlands, which is one of the world’s single largest exporters of roses. (That last fact is actually true.) The rest of us know it as a Christian feast day for the martyr Valentine who was beaten by clubs and beheaded, and we spend this day in solemn reflection, rosary beads in hand, as we imagine the 1,800-year-old skull of this Italian man encased in a glass box in Rome—where it rests on display today. (This is also true.)
So, if you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, celebrate it the way it was meant to be celebrated: by feasting on Italian food. Who needs love and romance and acceptance when you have fettuccini, and rigatoni, and farfalle? Glutinous carbs are always there for you—as are glutton-free Valentines-Day-approved alternatives. They will always love you.
Kick back, watch an actually good movie by yourself, and enjoy these complimentary memes as you fork down spaghetti, king.
