Despite the fact that society as we’ve known it has been turned upside down, one staple of the Before Times remains constant and unaltered: people are feeling lonely and, relatedly, horny. Jennifer Anniston commented on her ex John Mayer’s Instagram live, Dua Lipa gave us an anthem about “good pipe in the moonlight,” and even two notoriously bad-at-procreating pandas got it on.
Unless you happened to live with a partner before quarantine or shacked up with a person you were casually seeing as things started to go south, your horny levels are probably reaching astronomical heights right about now. You’re not alone. But there's also no end in sight to the sex-hiatus, so a nation turns its horny eyes to you, sexting.
A study by Drexel University found that most adults have sexted before and virtually everyone is receptive to it. It’s 2020, sexting is on the table. But! Good sexting will get you far—maybe it’ll even lead to some nudes swapping—but you have to respect the process. You can’t just ram your horny thoughts into a conversation like the Kool-Aid man bursting through a wall. Here, a few tips on how to kick start the sexts, ideas about what to say (whether to someone you’ve been seeing or someone new), and potential minefields to avoid.
Read the room
Like real sex, working up to the moment works wonders. It’s fine to be open and direct, but not cold. Please don't text someone, “Are you ready to start sexting?” This isn’t a Zoom meeting. There’s no calendar invite. (Unless that's your kink.) Feel out the conversation you’re having and build on the sexual tension. Whenever you initiate the sexy pivot, it shouldn’t come as a shock to the sextee that the banter turned horny. Maybe rethink tossing out, “I can’t wait to go down on you” as a non sequitur in the middle of a conversation about how their work day is going. (Unless that's their kink.)
If you’ve been flirting, and someone says they miss you, that is an ideal window of opportunity to tip-toe into sexting. Same goes with any statement that implies they’re wishing you were there next to them—saying that they’re cold, or that they wish you could try the shallot pasta they made, or that they have a hard time sleeping alone. Those are all classic lonely-horny sentiments that perfectly segue into something spicier. Speaking of the segue...
Pivot smoothly
The door's been opened, you're ready to make a move. Lots of great sexts begin with some iteration of “I wish I could _____ with you right now.” When you fill in the first blank, it shouldn’t be that crazy—at least while you're warming up. Another unimpeachable standby: “I want you so bad.” You need to build the drama. Just telling someone, “Hey, I wish we were fucking right now—I’m thinking about it. That’s all!” is not sexting. It’s ding-dong ditching them with the information that you’re horny. If your pivot message garners a similarly horny response, then you can turn up the heat and get a little dirtier with your next message, or ask for a sexy pic if you've swapped those before.
Take a walk down memory lane
Sexting means trying to jointly paint a picture of what you would do if you two were in the same room. If you’ve had actual sex together before (congrats), use that as your guide. Bring up the things they do in bed that drive you crazy—like, “I always love it when you _____.” Being specific—but not, like, scientifically specific—talk about what turned you on. It'll invite your sexting partner to do the same. Like re-watching 30 Rock or The Office or The Sopranos, you'll get to relive all the parts you loved.
Lost? Get physical
You don’t need to write out a Fifty Shades of Grey-caliber missive here. Simply telling your partner what feels good works wonders. If you don’t know where to start, you can always talk about how hard or wet you are, how horny you are, or how close you are to cumming. Then you can progress to something like “It feels amazing when you…” or “I wish you were here so I could…” Basic? Sure. But like a Sade album, time-tested and infallible.
Ask for input
Maybe not with that phrase exactly. But: sexting, at its essence, exists so two people jerking off alone can do it together. (No pressure—you don’t have to masturbate—you can sit on your couch and watch reruns of Futurama while you sext if you want.) Remember to ask your partner questions! Not just “And then what? And then what? And then what?” Ask things like, “What are you picturing right now?” or “What do you wish I were doing to you?” or “Where would you want me to touch you?” Play off their answers to keep up the momentum. You’re collaborating on the fantasy together; don’t put all the work on them.
Get crazy
Sexting is like cartoons, in that logic doesn't apply in these chat bubbles. You’re both just saying what you want to do, what would feel good, what would turn you on. You can sext about things that are not possible in real life. For instance: Real-life sex doesn’t usually last literally all night unless you’re Sting. You can say that you’re about to cum when you aren’t exactly there yet. You can pick someone up and fuck them against a wall when in real life you haven't done leg day in three years. Sexting is the only time shower sex doesn’t actually suck! Role play as Gravity fanfic if Sandra Bullock and George Clooney had sex in the dark void of space (if, as ever, that's your kink). The laws of science don't apply to horniness in sext form.
Just please, no emoji
An eggplant emoji is barely a sitcom punchline at this point. None of your sexts should have emoji in them. Hear me? None! Especially not as your reply to someone who's taking the time to type out what they’d like to do to your body. Same goes for emoji's elderly cousin, the emoticon. Stick to words—explicit, descriptive, horny-making words—and enjoy the sext.
Use this moment to master the fine art of the naked selfie.
